Bortsworth Quest

(set: $bstop to $bstop + 1 ) (if: (random: 1, 10) > 9)[(text-rotate:180)[The bus journey must have been uneventful. Did you drift off? Did you doze as the generic hills and industrial parks and grassy roundabouts passed you by? You don't really recall getting off the bus.] ](else:)[The bus journey must have been uneventful. Did you drift off? Did you doze as the generic hills and industrial parks and grassy roundabouts passed you by? You don't really recall getting off the bus.] Your legs are stiff from the cramped seats and the bus stop seat looks uninviting. (if: $bstop > 3)[You can see (text: $bstop-1 + (random: -1 , 2 )) squirrels near by.] (if: $bstop > 10)[Some of them have improvised weapons.] (if: $bstop < 12)[A walk would do you good.] (if: $bstop > 11)[Walking away from here really looks like a good idea.] [[Yes, a walk would do me good.->Go For A Walk]] [[I feel like I should stare blankly into space a bit longer.->Staring Blankly Into Space]] (if: $bstop > 11)[ [[Approach the squirrels peacefully.->SQUIRRELS]] ] (if: $bstop > 11)[ [[You ain't afraid of no mangy tree-rats. Shout "Shoo you varmints!"->SQUIRRELS]] ]

Your mind is numb from the bus journey. You cannot recall why you caught the bus or why you travelled to this non-descript English town. Across the street from you is a derelict Woolworths. The door is boarded up and the windows are covered in tattered fly posters. But Woolworths is not space. You must stare into space. You stare more blankily than you did before but tilt your head higher. You can see the sky. It is grey, the colour of a TV tuned to a channel dedicated to showing grey skies. The Grey Sky channel. Who would watch such a thing? You recall that in the UK 'Sky' is the name of a cable/sattelite network owned by the same parent company as Fox in the USA. You associate each letter of their names together (F=S, O=K, X=Y) as if this revealed a secret cipher with which you could decrypt current affairs. (set: $foxsky to $foxsky + 1) [[Stop staring blankly into space.->The Bus Stop]] [[Stare more intently into space.->Staring More Intently Into Space]] [[Check out the derelict Woolworths->Woolworths]]

You will your eyes to look beyond the normal spectrum. Immediately you find your visual senses rocked by the flood of infra-red. Wrong direction! You shift up to shorter wavelengths. Up! Up! Past ultraviolet! There! You can feel it! The cosmic background radiation - an optical hiss, a prophecy of entropy from the dawn of the universe. You sketch constellations in the noise that disolve before you can complete them. You repeat to yourself the insight you recieve: (set: $usa to "no") [[Everywhere is the centre of the universe.->The Bus Stop]] [[Everywhere is the center of the universe.->You Might Be American]]

(set: $usa to "yes") You might be American. Let us assume that you are. This may help. [[Life is like that sometimes.->The Bus Stop]] [[Can I extrapolate a full code from that FOX=SKY insight?->The Murdoch Code]]

You feel your insight that FOX=SKY is worth pursuing. However, you need a pencil and paper to continue. You check your pockets, only to discover that your clothes have no pockets. 'Is that normal?' you wonder but before you step too deeply into considering the complex hisory of gender roles, clothing styles and the utility of pockets, you remember that your current concern is unravelling the cryptic truth behind the three letter names of two conservative leaning TV companies. You look around. Ahead of you is a derelict Woolworths. Next to it is an oddly angry looking WHSmiths. (set: $foxsky to $foxsky + 3) [[Break into Woolworths.->Woolworths]] [[Walk into WHSmiths.->WHSmiths]]

You step across the road. It feels good to use your legs after the bus journey but you knees ache a little. It's a good pain though - a pain from your body pulling itself back together again after the... You are distracted by a shadow. Never mind, it was nothing. The door is boarded up but it is clear that others have loosened the boards sufficiently that the door can be opened just enough for you to squeeze through. [[You squeeze through.->Inside Woolworths]] [[On reflection, you dislike the idea of tresspassing and return to the bus stop->The Bus Stop]]

The shop is empty of goods but some of the shelving is still there. You can see in the dim light what would have been the containers for a pick-n-mix counter. You can see what appears to be shop mannequin. It's left arm is raised as if it is hailing a cab. You walk closer to get a better look. Outside there must have been a break in the clouds because now a ray of sunshine is filtering through a gap in the fly postered windows. The sunlight rest directly on the face of the mannequin. You step towards it. You are surprised to see that its eyes appeared to be closed. You reach out to touch the painted on eye lids when they open. The mannequin says a single word to you: //forget.// [[Guess where you are now sonny-jim->The Bus Stop]]

You enter the popular chain-store newsagency hoping for some comforting familiarity depsite the angry vibe you get from the store's exterior. As you enter you notice the shelves of magazines conatin only multiple copies of the same magazine. It is entitled "ANGRY" and features a scowling man on the front. Near the counter is a stack of newspapers. Behind the counter is a nervous looking woman wearing a green baseball cap. The cap has the logo of 'Angry' magazine on the front. "If you buy the magazine," says the woman, "you get a free cap." "Like yours?" you ask. "No." says the woman, "The free cap is blue with a yellow flower." She holds up a sample but it is exactly like the one she is wearing. [[Leave in such a hurry that you forget what you are doing. ->The Bus Stop]] [[Ask the woman for pen and paper->The Helpful Newsagent]]

"Do you have a pen and some paper?" you ask. "Why," asks the woman, "are you wondering if it is more than coincidence that Fox News and Sky News both have three letter names? That's what I keep thinking about." "Not quite." you reply. (set: $foxsky to $foxsky + 1) [[Leave the store so quickly that you forget why you went in there.->The Bus Stop]] [[Ask her about the connection between Fox and Sky->Fox and Sky]]

The woman looks at you intently then waves her hand in front of your face. "I've said too much. //Forget// everything." Your vision blurs and you feel unsteady. (set: $foxsky to $foxsky - 1) [[Discuss the fall of the Ottoman Empire with an imp->The Bus Stop]] [[Cling to your memories like a shipwrecked sailor clings to a stray timber->The Bus Stop]]

You look around. Across the road is a derelict [[Woolworths.->Woolworths]] Next to it is an angry looking [[WHSmiths.->WHSmiths]] Further down the road to your right is a [[dry cleaners.->Dry Cleaners]] Further down the road to your left is a [[post office.->Post Office]] Or maybe you just want to [[stare blankly into space.->Staring Blankly Into Space]]

You walk to the dry cleaners. The door is locked and there is a sign that says "Temporarily Out of Business. Ignore what you hear." Below that is another sign saying "Russian consular services temporarily suspended." Below that is a yellow post-it note that says: "I would like my suit back Signed Timothy PS it is green" By your feet is a small iron grate. You can hear a faint tinny whisper echoing up from below. [[Check out the interesting looking bus stop.->The Bus Stop]] [[Listen more carefully to what the tinny voice is saying.->The Voice]]

(set: $postoff to $postoff + 1) (if: $postoff < 2)[You enter the post office. There is a nice lady at the counter. She is smiling and applying a dressing to a scratch on her hand. "Don't mind me. I just got scratched by that fool of a cat." she explains. "Now, how can I help you?"] You find that you are struggling to put your thoughts together. You look behind $zelda. You see a poster showing the designs of six stamps. You point at one of the stamps. [[Point at the fox stamp->Fox Stamp]] [[Point at the axe stamp->Axe Stamp]] [[Point at the bun stamp->Bun Stamp]] [[Point at the sky stamp->Sky Stamp]] [[Point at the cat stamp->Cat Stamp]] [[Point at the dog stamp->Dog Stamp]]

You crouch down so that your ear is near the grate. At first you cannot make out the words but then you begin to think you can make out a voice speaking Russian. You lean closer to the grate, trying to make out the words. Then, more clearly you hear a single word in English: //forget.// (set: $foxsky to $foxsky - 1) (text-rotate:180)[ [[Assemble a rag tag team of adventurers in a local inn!->The Bus Stop]] [[Ask a helpful serf for rumours about the old castle on the hill->The Bus Stop]] [[Desperately try to hold onto to your chain of thought. Something is amiss.->The Bus Stop]] ]

Your finger shakes as you point at the stamp with the fox. (if: $foxsky > 1)[You'd been thinking about the connection between Fox and Sky but now it feels more important to you.] (set: $foxsky to $foxsky + 1) (if: $foxsky > 3)[ [[$zelda points to a small desk which has a laptop.->Foxandsky]] ] [[Point at more stamps.->Post Office]]

(if: $bstop < 10 )[$zelda says "I don't understand."](if: $bstop > 9)["I really wouldn't recommend having an axe around here." says $zelda cautiously. She looks around nervously.] [[Point at the stamps.->Post Office]]

"If you are hngry you could visit the pub." suggests $zelda. [[Go and look for the pub.->Near the pub]]

Your hand wobbles as you point at the stamp with the sky. (if: $foxsky > 1)[You'd been thinking about the connection between Fox and Sky but now it feels more important to you.] (set: $foxsky to $foxsky + 1) (if: $foxsky > 3)[ [[$zelda points to a small desk which has a laptop.->Foxandsky]] ] [[Point at more stamps.->Post Office]]

"If you are looking for Timothy," says $zelda,"He just left about (text: 5 + $postoffice) minutes ago. But watch out - he must be in one of his moods. He scratched me when he came in and was shouting about squirrels." [[Ask which way he went->Which Way]] [[Ask what she means by "shouting about squirrels"->Talking Cat]]

(set: $pups to $pups + 1) (if: $pups < 2)["Oh," says $zelda, "did you see straw puppy around? ](if: $pups > 1)["Like I said," says $zelda, "]Just ignore him. He's not a real dog - just something made out of bits of dead grass and old sticks. His bark is worse than his bite." [[Point at the stamps.->Post Office]] [[Insistently point at the dog stamp.->Dog Stamp]]

The bus comes to a halt. Slightly disorientated you hurry to disembark. There is a bus shelter with a seat. Above it is a sign that says 'Bortsworth Central Business District'. (set: $bstop to 0) (set: $foxsky to 0) (set: $zelda to "the nice lady") (set: $vuerjt to "123ABC@password") [[Begin your adventure by the bus stop->The Bus Stop]]

"Just head outside and walk past the pub." explains $zelda. [[Leave the post office.->Near the pub]]

"Timothy is a talking cat. If weird things are going on then you should go to the old caravan in the pub car park. You'll find some answers there." [[Leave the post office.->Near the pub]] [[Point at the stamps.->Post Office]]

You can see the pub. It is called 'The Clouds & Vixen.' A pub sign shows a stylised fox on a green hill with its snout pointing up to fluffy clouds in a blue sky. Next to the pub is what is nominally a car-park but it actually little more than a small piece of waste ground partly covered in weeds. In one corner is an old motor home across which has been spray painted 'Felapton Towers'. On the door is a small note saying 'Beware of the Cat - armed response'. (if: $foxsky > 0)[You look back at the pub sign.] (if: $foxsky > 3)[ $zelda is watching you from the post office door. [[She suggests you use her laptop to figure things out.->Foxandsky]] ] [[Go into the The Clouds & Vixen.->Pub]] [[Visit Felapton Towers.->Felapton Towers]] [[Go back into the post office.->Post Office]] [[Head back to the bus stop.->The Bus Stop]]

You open a spreadsheet on the laptop. You list the numbers 1 to 26 in one column and then in the next column list the letters of the alphabet in upper-case. In a third column you put the letter 's' next to 'F', the letter 'k' next to 'O' and the letter 'y' next to 'X'. You show this as three pairs of numbers (6,19), (15,11), (24,25) [[Stare at the what you have done in blank incomprehension.->Incomprehension]] [[You know what to with these numbers!->Graphs]]

You sit their starting. The nice lady looks over your shoulder and politely suggests that you try drawing a graph. [[Flee in horror because of a childhood fear of graphs.->Near the pub]] [[Oh yeah. Good ideas.->Graphs]]

You plot the set of numbers as an X,Y graph. The three dots look like a wide and shallow V. Maybe you could get the spreadsheet to extrapolate a more general relationship. [[Use a linear model.->Linear]] [[Use a quadratic model.->Quad]] [[Use a logarithmic model.->Logs]]

The spreadsheet does its best to fit a stright line to those points but the results offer you no additional insight. [[Use a quadratic model.->Quad]] [[Use a logarithmic model.->Logs]]

The spreadsheet neatly fits a u-shaped curve to the three points. The equation of the curve is y=0.1358x^2+3.7407x+36.556. Those decimals are a bit of a worry. You make a new column with a formula =ROUND(0.1358xA1^2+3.7407xA1+36.556,0) in cell E1. You copy the formula down the column. Unfortunately some values are greater than 26 so the numbers from your formula won't map to just standard letters of the alphabet. You decided to add an extra formula in column F, =IF(E1>26,26,E1). Hmm that's much neater. You add yet another formula in cell G1: =VLOOKUP(F1,A1:B26,2,0) and copy it down the column (after fixing the cell references of course!) You now have a relationship between the FOX code and the SKY code. Notably lots of letter in FOX translate to 'Z' in SKY. [[Decode 'Bortsworth' using your code.->Twins]] [[Decode 'Trump' using your code.->Trump]]

This just looks silly. [[Use a linear model.->Linear]] [[Use a quadratic model.->Quad]]

You use the spreadsheet to decode Bortsworth. "I think you mean you use your cipher to change Bortsworth from plain text to cipher text." says $zelda who happens to be telepathic. OK, yes, you do that. ZKMPOVKMPO You wonder what the significance of that is. "Oh, that's easy. I'm Zelda Kobold-Muddle and my twin sister is Velda Kobold-Muddle and we both work in the Post Office. I'm the secretary of the Bortsworth Chamber of Commerce and Velda is the Treasurer." says Zelda, reading your mind again. (set: $zelda to "Zelda") [[Hmmm. OK, maybe try TRUMP this time as that sounds topical.->Trump]]

You use your spreadsheet to decipher 'TRUMP'. You decide to go from SKY to FOX. Hmmm, it is tricky going that way as 'M' has two answers. You decide to include both. VUERJT (set: $vuerjt to "vuerjt") The word is both meaningless and loaded with significance. "That word," says $zelda who is looking over your shoulder, "is both meaningless and loaded with significance." [[Time to go and discover more.->Near the pub]]

You enter the pub. It is dark and smells of stale beer. (if: $timbo is 0)[ [[Leave the pub.->Near the pub]] ](else:)[ A rushes in after you. It presses a button by the door. Immediatelly steel shutters descend across the window. Red emergency lighting illuminates the bar. The cat runs down into the cellar. [[Leave the pub.->SQUIRRELS]] [[Follow the cat.->TIMOTHY]] ]

You approach the grimy motor home cautiously. The door has a cat flap. Their are competing sets of stickers on the door - some pro-gun others pro-gun control. There is an unpleasant odour of cats. By the door handle is an electronic keypad. "To Speak With the Occupants, please enter the password" [[In a brilliant flash of insight you type in "$vuerjt" ->123ABC@password]]

There is a quiet beep and then... (if: $vuerjt is "123ABC@password")[A loud screeching noise eminates from the keypad. [[Make a hasty retreat to near the pub.->Near the pub]] ] (if: $vuerjt is "vuerjt")[The door swings open... [[Enter.->Inside]] ] [[Go into the pub instead.->Pub]]

A bizzare bundle of clothes greets you as you walk in. "Woooooo," it says, "we are the occuPANTS - we occupy PANTS!!" You hear sniggering inside the bundle of clothes. (set: $timbo to 1) [[Tell these idiots to stop messing around. You have serious business to discuss.->No Pants]] [[Say "wooooooooo" back at them.->Pants]]

A cat emerges from the bundle of clothes. "Hello," it says but before it can finish the greetings the sound of gunfire erupts from outside. "Nooooo!!!! They are here already!" says the cat. [[Run to the safer surroundings of the pub! Quick!->Pub]]

Just then there is the sound of sustained gunfire. A cat rushes out from the pile of clothes. It leaps up to a window. "The squirrels have found the armoury! Oh boy are we in trouble now!" You rush to the window and outside you can see a gang of squirrels collectively carrying a large assault rifle. When they attempt to fire the rifle they all fall over but they still manage to do some uncoordinated damage to near by buildings. The cat turns to you and says "Meet me inside the pub! I'll give covering fire!" The cat runs up to a machine gun emplacement built into the roof (which oddly you didn't notice before) and begins firing. [[In the ensuing mayhem you run to the pub.->Pub]]

Oh dear. Hundreds of squirrels swarm towards you. Sorry, but that's the end of you.

You follow the cat into the cellar. Your feet are tired so you sit down on a chair. The cat speaks to you: "Hi. So due to the lax and permissive policies of the town, evil squirrels have taken over and have been using mind control AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE to do weird things. Anyway, that's why everything is weird and that also explains everything. So no more mystery I guess." [[Somehow, that feels like an anti-climax.->climax]] [[This is worse than LOST.->climax]] [[So now what?->climax]] [[Why did you scratch $Zelda ? ->climax]]

The cat nods wisely and explains that he is, in fact, the notable Timothy the Talking Cat. He explains that he scratched $Zelda because she had been zapped by a squirrel mind-ray. He also goes onto explain how the whole story with the squirrels was actually super interesting and not remotely a disappointing anti-climax. "But what about..." you start to ask but Timothy stops you. Just then all the squirrels burst into the cellar but Timothy fights them off. Once all the squirrels are defeated everybody says what a good cat Timothy is and say that he is the best cat. You start to ask another question but Timothy explains that the story is at an end now and that you won, thanks to him. You say thank you and state, unequivocally that he is the best cat. The End